The Power of “Both/And” in the Arrangement Conference
The Group thanks our friend Terry Cain of Messenger for this guest post. Terry is a product specialist, thought leader, and trusted advisor to funeral home owners. After 20 years with a Fortune 500 company, he came home to funeral service and purchased the family business. For almost 20 years he has represented the Messenger family of brands to the industry.
Kara was only 50 when she quietly drew her last breath. Knowing her time was close did not take away the sting, but the knowing did allow the family an opportunity to think through how they wanted to celebrate her beautiful life.
They had called a local funeral director a few weeks earlier and requested a house call to make arrangements.
Her husband said, “We’ve decided to have a private graveside service two days after she passes.”
That’s where most funeral directors nod and start pointing to the graveside service section of the GPL. Not this funeral director.
He slowly nodded and simply said, “And?”
“And a Celebration of Life a week later, off campus, with a sit-down meal for 250 people?” her husband responded, more as a question than a statement. “I know that’s unusual.”
The director assured them it was not unusual and that he had a package for that exact scenario.
When my kids were little, I used to ask them on the way to Sunday brunch what was their key takeaway from the church service. Their answers always amused me. One Sunday I thought the service was particularly compelling. In the car I asked my wife and kids about their takeaway. Their answers left me wondering if we were even in the same building that Sunday. A lot of arrangement conferences leave me feeling the same way.
The family wants X, but the GPL offers Y, so the funeral director pushes them to the Y package … and the pen never lifts from paper to see if the offering has properly aligned with the family’s expectation.
What if the family requested X, but the director immediately circled that package and began writing the contract? What if the family were offered a BOTH/AND option and their final selection was X, Y, and Z?
Too often, the cha-ching I hear in the arrangement conference is the sound of money being left on the table. Not because the family isn’t willing to spend more, but because they want to spend differently. Family celebrations in 2026 don’t fit perfectly into five packages, if they ever did.
An owner recently asked me for tips on training new hires. Specifically, to train them how to actively listen and spontaneously build packages based on what they heard from the family. I suggested she have each of them go to an auto manufacturer website and build their dream car from the ground up. Then sit down with them individually and tell them why they can’t have certain features, using only funeral industry excuses. “That’s not in my GPL,” “We don’t do it that way,” “That’s not dignified,” “I’m not comfortable with that,” and “That means I have to work on Saturday.”
After stripping the cars back down to little more than a showroom model, one smart new hire said, “What was the point of designing my dream car if I could only have a basic model?” BINGO! The teachable moment the owner was looking for.
She said, “Remember that when you are in the arrangement conference and families are sharing their ideas on how to celebrate the life of their loved one. We are a BOTH/AND kind of funeral service provider.”
My friend Kara had a great life. Her family and friends had an amazing celebration of life service that was meaningful and healing. The funeral director? His contract included a removal, an embalming, a casket, vault, stationery, paper media, tribute video, graveside service, catering, and staff to cover a second event off campus. And that — that is the power of BOTH/AND in the arrangement conference.
